pentaclequeen

So T and I officially have each other listed as Dating on Fetlife, and me as under consideration of him for now... we figure more than that, we'll discuss in person when I get back to Syracuse.

I'd gotten the nerve to mention to him that there was a lot I'd been fighting to hold in out of fear of being seen as topping from the bottom. He said he'd been holding in some too because he didn't want to be seen as pushy... so I told him I'd been holding in mentioning how strongly I wanted to be owned by him. So he replied by saying that I just made his day. Told him I was glad I could return the favor, since he makes mine regularly (often by calling me a good girl... funny how such a simple compliment can make my heart swell). We ended up talking on the phone a bit, and he said a lot of it was just because he didn't want to admit just how much I meant to him after a short time. So we talked a little more and decided it was time we put it up on Fet. So eeeee!

We've also got plans for two more cell poppings- a huge vine one going all the way up my back, and one on the opposite thigh of the one I already have, of his design... basically his initials, combined in a really epic looking way that I adore.

In other news, I'm in Massachusetts right now, visiting my family. It's kind of funny how much more tolerable large social gatherings are with a glass or three of wine...

I wanted to do something a bit different, so I thought I'd write about one of my characters- Allyridae. More than that, however, I suppose I want to cover how I feel she relates to me.

Ally's mother was an interesting figure. Meaning that she often hosted orgies, then killed everyone involved after they were done. She indoctrinated Ally and her twin into this practice at a very young age- about 8 human years. So they've grown up with sex as a constant companion to their life. She and her twin were beautiful enough that they were constantly in high demand, too, even factoring in their young age. Ally came to view sex as a weapon that she could use against others, but the weapon was a double-sided one- perhaps sharper on her side than theres. Ally knows she's attractive, she knows people want her. But, to her perception... if people don't want to fuck her, she is worthless. Because beneath that beauty is a raging, burning fury that colors everything she does- even her lust- and she knows that if she was not beautiful, she would not even be LIKEABLE.

In a lot of ways, Allyridae is lifted from myself at the age of 17. Not in regards to her life experiences, of course.

When I was 17, I lost a good deal of weight. Suddenly, I was viewed as attractive. I was jailbait. I was young and pretty and fresh, and in a lot of ways, so very innocent. Suddenly, instead of being praised for my mind, for my personality, for all of those things that I had been raised to believe were important, everyone seemed to care only about how I looked. Everything I had been taught to value suddenly evaporated. And, since I had already been cripplingly self-conscious about my looks- particularly since I didn't employ healthy methods to get to my weight- the combination of the fact that suddenly looks were everything and the fact that I hated my looks was not a good one.

I was not hard to this discrepancy. It bothered me. No, it did more than bother me. It was an existential crisis in a time already fraught with them. I had thought I had self-esteem regarding my personality. I mainly thought I was a decent person.

But every time a stranger complimented my looks, each time I knew someone I barely spoke to wanted to fuck me, my self-confidence dropped more and more.  It wasn't long until I felt the same way Ally did- like I was worthless if people didn't want to screw me.

So I treated myself that way. I didn't think anyone else could like me, because I didn't like me anymore.

And it infuriated me. I knew if I hadn't lost the weight, I wouldn't have been in the position I was in. And I was achingly, mind-numbingly mad at everyone around me, who only wanted me because I had a pretty face and nice curves. Sex was a brief reprieve from my thoughts- but they came back ever stronger afterward as my self-hatred began to grow and develop.

I've spent a long time recovering from this dichotomy. It breaks my heart to know that it happened so easily, that a person's self-conscious can be torn down by becoming attractive.

Even now, I abhor when strangers hit on me. That was five years ago.

I don't care if you want to fuck me. Don't bother attempting to communicate unless if a, you're respectful, and b, you're intelligent. I refuse to fuck you if I can't respect you, goddammit.

Especially since, these days, I don't think I could sleep with someone unless if they were a Dom. Normal just doesn't do it for me any more. I don't want it.

Unlike Ally, sex is not a weapon to me. It's not something beautiful to be cherished, either, however. Sex is raw, sex is dirty... and sex is real. It's the honest culmination of two mutual desires. Nothing else.

Sure. Maybe some would say maybe I've only found meaningless sex.

But you know something? I've had meaningful sex. Stuff that was supposed to be tender, meaningful, blah blah blah.

I hated it.

Don't ask me why, because I'm tired and don't care enough to get in depth right now.

Okay. This is getting random now. I'm overtired. Shutting up, shutting down, so long, good night.

"I can explain myself: If you want to be safe, walk in the middle of the street. I’m not joking. You’ve been told to look both ways before crossing the street, and the sidewalk is your friend, right? Wrong. I’ve spent years walking sidewalks at night. I’ve looked around me when it was dark, when there were men following me, creeping out of alleyways, attempting to goad me into speaking to them and shouting obscenities at me when I wouldn’t, and I suddenly realised that the only place left to go was the middle of street. But why would I risk it? Because the odds are in my favour. In the States, someone is killed in a car accident on average every 12.5 minutes, while someone is raped on average every 2.5 minutes. Even when factoring in that, one, I am generously including ALL car-related accidents and not just those involving accidents, and two, that the vast majorities of rapes still go unreported […] And, thus, this is now the way I live my life: out in the open, in the middle of everything, because the middle of the street is actually the safest place to walk."
-Emilie Autumn

BAH! Tuesdays! I hate when WoW goes down for maintenance. >.> 

But I'm just sort of spending some quiet time, chilling at home, watching The Princess Bride. And it's actually kind of nice. I love the peace, I love the quiet.

Got discharged from day treatment for breaching confidentiality by accident, but tbh I really don't care lol... I'm glad to be free. I really haven't wanted to go for quite some time.

"No more rhymes now, I mean it!"
"Anybody want a peanut?!"

There's been some guild drama going on too, heh. Two people in the guild have been altogether incorrigible for quite some time. Disrespectful, just sort of general assholes, et cetera. I'm co-GM, and I was considering gquitting because they were making life so miserable until I remembered "Oh yeah... I can kick them." I didn't want it to seem random, however, so I waited until the next time drama arose.

I didn't have to wait long.

A former member returned to my guild, and these two parties were both pissed about his return. I told them I was giving him a second chance, and that they'd have to deal. They ended up picking a fight with him- a lore debate. Fun. One of the two was consistently disrespectful, name calling, telling him to shut up, et cetera. Our guild is an RP guild, so I PMed him saying, "You have one our to roleplay your exit, because your kick is imminent." He RPed his exit and gquit.

His friend reported everything we were saying to him. He ended up getting kicked as well for maintaining/prolonging drama.

The problem is... our guild out of character was one of the easily joined channels, not in /o. Although it should have been, and that situation has since been rectified.

So he remained in our OOC channel. We made a new channel and went there for a while, and he remained in our old one.

The gentleman who got kicked first PMed me and asked if I would allow the second person to come back to the guild. Said he really missed the guild, et cetera. I apologized, tried to be kind but firm. He had badmouthed officers while he was IN the guild, he was just sort of an asshat in general most of the time... the first guy said, "Well, you gave the guy that came back a second chance." I told him, "What makes you think this would be his second chance?" Most of our officers have hated having him in the guild for quite some time, but didn't feel we really had a reason to kick him and that it would be petty to kick him just because we didn't like him. He was rude consistently, and we gave him multiple warnings, told him he was on his last leg, et cetera, and his behavior still continued.

So it came to a point where a few of us within the guild were in Darkshire RPing. I threw out my recruitment macro. The previous member decided to start trolling the guild. One of our guildies, who still had him on RID, told us it was him- because it was a different toon name.

So I PMed him to talk about it. Airing your drama out in front of General anywhere is never a good idea.

During the process of the conversation, he told me to go cut myself. Then told me to go kill myself.

I have 8 years of self-injury, and 2 suicide attempts under my belt. This kid fucking knew that. How dare he say such a thing? I'm angry about the comment, but more than that, I'm really, really hurt. To play on a person's weakness like that... it's really fucking low.

I'm not sure what it is that makes it hurt so badly. I don't particularly like the kid, I don't give a damn about his opinion... I guess it's just that he found the chink in my armor, drove a knife in, and fucking twisted.

Immediately after he says it, he goes, "I didn't mean it." The damage was already fucking done, you fucking asshat. What the fuck, you think saying 'you didn't mean it' will make it go away? Jesus, I know you're 15, but seriously, is there no common sense in that brain of yours?

I told him "Fuck you, there's no chance you're rejoining our guild now. Learn some fucking tact." And left that at that. There's no reason to let him know he hurt me.

But goddammit.... he did.

And I feel ridiculous, and kind of stupid, because a 15 year old's words can cut so deeply.

I was reading through a LiveJournal just now ( magusplay , to give credit where credit is due), and I read this quote. Something about it startled me, took me by surprise, made me smile. So I figured I'd share.



"Hurt me," said the Masochist.

The Sadist replied, "No."

Hmm. Trying to come up with a list of soothing songs for one of my friends. The three I've already recommended to him are:

"Gabriel's Sword" by Runrig
"What If" by Emilie Autumn
"Lullaby for a Stormy Night" by Vienna Teng

Some other ones I've thought of since:
"In Perfect Harmony" by Within Temptation
"A Day Without Rain" by Enya
"Waving Palms" by Eddie Vedder (even if it IS 37 seconds, the damn thing is lovely)
"Ever" by Emilie Autumn
"Sumiregusa" by Enya
"Fairy Tale Waltz" by Marc Gunn
"Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley
"Marry Me" by Train
"The Never-Ending Story" by Within Temptation
"Little Lion Man" by Mumford & Sons
"Little Fall of Rain" from Les Miserables

Hmmm. Another average day spent snarking with my twin and perhaps being a bit too caught up in my own mind.

Registering the Jeep tomorrow, thank goodness, then will be staying the weekend with my aunt to attempt to learn how one drives a standard. A bit of worry is going through my mind. Mechanics I am sadly pathetic at, although I know i' truth driving a stick shift has nothing to do with mechanics. Understanding when precisely one should shift, I am sadly clueless.

Nevertheless, once I learn to drive the damn contraption I am out of here for good, departed for Syracuse with Matt and Laura, and my heart swells eagerly with anticipation. I spoke to Drew about the cat- he's willing to take care of Merlin, as long as I send some money for food and litter. To be honest, I am rather nervous about leaving Merlin with Drew. He's not the greatest caretaker, I fear, often too absentminded to remember "hey! he needs food." But it is a solution for now, and will be temporary until I can afford $200 for the pet deposit.

It's kind of funny, really. The song that makes me think of Matt is from Disney. Bizarre, that the song a pet would think of to describe her Master would be from an innocuous child's film, but it is. ("Part of Your World" from The Little Mermaid, for the curious.)

Gaaahhh. I newly have an absurd amount of Disney movies on my computer and I'm dying to watch The Fox and the Hound, but my RP partners keep distracting me so I don't get a chance! Also, the person I'm currently RPing with keeps saying "vagina" in erotic circumstances. UGH. I'm sorry, but the word vagina is a horrible term! Sounds like... like... a tentacle monster. I abhor the term.

What else should I say, except that I find it fundamentally odd that I love the smell of buttered popcorn and yearn to taste it until the moment I actually do and I remember how repulsive the stuff is.

So perhaps it is a good thing that my fair twin has persuaded me that it is due time I began to update this accursed thing, as I have many a thought running through my mind and weighing rather heavily at that. So many, and so comprehensive, are these thoughts that they will be compressed into a series of lj-cuts to help simplify and separate matters.

( Internet FlirtationsCollapse ) ( The Slut DebateCollapse ) ( Taking Internet Flirtation IRLCollapse )

In short, I guess there's a lot on my mind. And most of it relates to sex. Which is bizarre and fascinating to me... because to my mind, I'm not a sexual person. Yet it seems to almost everyone else, I'm one of the most sexual people they know. This discrepancy bewilders me. It makes no sense.

Meh. I think this entry has gotten long enough. One last thought.

One of the guys at day treatment today was begging for me to sit next to him. And one of the other guys goes, "You know she's out of your league, right?" … I didn't even know I HAD a league. Aside from Justice League. But really... I mean... I don't consider anything other than connections with people. NO, I would not have dated the guy in question... but not because I thought I was better than him or something like that... just because I didn't feel any connection to him. It's just... bewildering.

Shutting up now. This damn thing is 3 pages long.

So I am finally, after seven months, almost out of intensive day treatment. All I need is a referral from my ordinary doctor, who I have an appointment with next week.

I am so excited it's not even funny. I've been so sick of IDT lately... it helped, don't get me wrong, but I think I'm sort of maxed out on it now.

In other news, I'm very entertained with the circumstance one of my RP characters is in. She's a female night elf priestess in WoW, and she had at two points liked people who didn't like her back. So last night we RPed her actually getting a boyfriend, and now.... of COURSE.... the two characters she liked LIKE HER BACK. And (and the RP char doesn't know this yet) she's pregnant. We had an interesting debate on the nature of night elf/worgen babies, then just decided the night elf's DNA would be stronger since they were once immortal.

So in a matter of hours, Calaera (my character) went from being the slightly neurotic girl who wants everyone and has no one, to being the slightly neurotic pregnant woman (oh yeah, she'd lost her virginity in that same RP set) who is wanted by everyone, and has someone.

-grin- I love RP drama.

Ugh, I am sick and tired and my head hurts.

Damn my fragile immune system. -curls up in a ball- I feel like crap. And I can't even get laid to make me feel better about it. T_T

It sucks when you're sick and on the rag at the same time.

WoW is annoying me right now. I hate night elf quests, but I really don't feel like being on my worgen or my troll... maybe it's just that I don't feel very ambitious at the present.

My throat hurts like Hell. Stupid post-nasal drip.

Maybe I'll make some more tea. Tea makes it feel better for a little bit...